Psalm 139:14 “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful; I know that full well”.
I have read this Psalm likely 100’s of times and have agreed with it wholeheartedly through all these years. When I get to this verse though, I struggle. I know that every life is a miracle as is mine. That is not the problem. When I read the words describing the “wonderfully made” part, I tend to think of several improvements I wish God would have made when knitting me together in my mother’s womb. I struggle with the lies that have clung to me for years like a bad stain – stains that no amount of scrubbing can remove.
I have been reading a book called “ Weight is Not Your Problem” by Lyndi Cohen. It has shaken me, to be honest. She talks about diet culture and body image. I am 63 years old and still think that people will love me better if I am size 10 and even more when I am size 8 and in great shape and don’t look old. I don’t feel old, but I do get seniors discounts on Thursdays if I go to some stores. So, I must be a little old.
Bill was talking to me at supper and said I need to ask God “When did all this crazy thinking start?” So I thought about what the lies are. I easily made a list of them; all the lies that people said to me over the years which I believed. It took all of 5 minutes. It is seared into my brain.
Bill said I should ask God - what is the root? “Am I the only one, God, who has this ridiculous thinking?” Sometimes people have told me to stop thinking like that – but that’s not really helpful. I need God to heal the place in me that allows lies to find fertile ground such that they grow and have their sick way in my mind.
When I was growing up, to be thin was to be beautiful. I was thin. That was not enough. In my generation - thin, and blonde was a good look. Well... I am not blonde. Well built? No - I was anemic as a kid because life was pretty tough in my house and my stomach was in a knot most of the time.
The root… Honestly, all I can think of is not having one memory of being told I was beautiful. Not one, until I met my husband, and I did not believe him. My mom told me “Donna, you can do anything you put your mind to”. But ‘beautiful...’? No. And I don’t think it is because mom or my dad did not think that, but when I grew up, telling your kids that was not a common practice… at least not in my house.
If you can identify with me, I invite you to join me as I pray and ask God to heal my heart and mind; may He do the same to you.
Dear Father,
I know the truth of Your Word that says You make us beautiful. You even sing over us, according to the Scriptures. Thank you. You are my healer and I come to You today in Jesus’ Name and ask that You would heal my mind - go into those rooms where these lies have been stored and cover them with Your love and mercy. In Jesus’ Name bring peace and healing to these places. I lay every lie before You and ask that You would replace them all with Your truth. May I rest in Your good work and be at peace with what I see in the mirror and how You made me.
In Jesus Name,
Amen