The pain of watching someone make self destructive choices day after day, is heart-break defined. It is a storm of emotions. You are angry, hurt and fearful, all at the same time.
You try every trick in the book, hoping things will change. I remember cleaning my house as best as I could as a kid, thinking maybe that would keep my dad from drinking. No amount of begging or pleading, would stop him from walking out that door to do exactly what he had set his heart on to do.
I stood there feeling betrayed, unloved and discarded. All my young heart wanted to do, was save my dad from himself. I just wanted a dad who could hold a job, pay the bills and keep his word.
The hardest thing in my mind about alcoholism, is you cannot fix them. There is not really a medication they can take that will make this monster go away. The individual has to want to quit. They have to come to the end of themselves and be really sick of the mess they are making of their lives and the hearts they are breaking all around them.
Making dad feel guilty was never helpful. I tried that also. He in turn would make me feel guilty. You see with alcoholics' in their sick minds, they like to blame their need to drink on you or whatever thing they can conger up. Hiding the liquor doesn't work either, they just get more. I tried that too.
I remember well, the constant knot in my stomach and I felt it constantly. I went to Alateen for kids of Alcoholics, that did help. It was good to know I was not alone on this wretched journey. There were others who also had to endure this thing called Alcoholism- a family disease. And it does cause dis-ease to everyone, right down to the cat who hides when he would come home.
I loved all I learned in Alateen, but honestly needed someone who could soothe my soul and calm my fears. Alateen and the great people there could not do it for me. I needed someone who could be there all the time. I needed someone I could really talk to as much as I wanted and who would care deeply.
When I started to write in my diary to Jesus, that is when I found my peace. When I was given a Bible I would read the Psalms. There is hope there for the despairing heart. Psalm 91 in the bible, is a beautiful Psalm that talks about God.n"Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord,"He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust".
Perhaps you know someone you love who is putting a knot in your stomach and is breaking your heart at the same time. We all need someone to go to with our burdens and troubles. Go to Jesus. He cares for you. He sees your pain and suffering. He hears your cries and see your tears. You matter to Him even if you feel like you do not matter to anyone else. You do matter to God. He created you and He knows you. He waits for you as He waits for me. He will not make your life perfect, but He will give you peace in the storm and wisdom. Seek Him. Read your Bible. There is hope and life for you there.